大话西游之月光宝盒 （片断）

观音：孙悟空，你这个畜生，你为了跟牛魔王的妹妹成亲，居然把你师傅唐三藏作贺礼，还约了妖魔鬼怪一起吃唐僧宴，你认不认错？
悟空：三八婆！你追了我三天三夜，因为你是女人我才不杀你，不要以为我是怕了你！
唐僧：悟空，你怎么可以这样跟观音姐姐讲话呢？
悟空：哗－－！闭嘴！
唐僧：你又吓我！
至尊宝：孙悟空、唐三藏？
观音：你知不知道你已经犯了弥天大罪，你还抢了紫霞仙子的月光宝盒，分明就是想避开我嘛！
悟空：既然避不了，我老孙就跟你决一死战！

（将月光宝盒一抛）

唐僧：干什么呀？

（月光宝盒向至尊宝飞来，至尊宝伸手去接，却被唐僧抢先接过去。）

唐僧：哎哟，悟空你也真调皮呀！我叫你不要乱扔东西呀，唉，乱扔东西是不对……哎呀话没有说完你怎么把棍子也扔掉了？月光宝盒是宝物，乱扔它会污染环境，唉，砸到小朋友怎么办？就算砸不到小朋友砸到花花草草也不好嘛！

（悟空一把抓住宝盒。）

唐僧：你干什么？
悟空：放手！
唐僧：你想要啊？你想要说清楚就行了吗？你想要的话我会给你的，你想要我当然不会不给你啦！不可能你说要我不给你，你说不要我却偏要给你，大家讲道理嘛！现在我数三下，你要说清楚你要不要……
悟空：我Kao！

（一拳打倒唐僧）

观音：啊？孙悟空！
悟空：哈哈哈哈哈！大家看到啦？这个家伙没事就长篇大论婆婆妈妈叽叽歪歪，就好象整天有一只苍蝇，嗡……对不起，不是一只，是一堆苍蝇围着你，嗡…嗡…嗡…嗡…飞到你的耳朵里面，救命啊！救命啊！

(悟空倒地翻滚，异常痛苦。)

悟空：所以呢我就抓住苍蝇挤破它的肚皮把它的肠子扯出来再用它的肠子勒住他的脖子用力一拉，呵－－！整条舌头都伸出来啦！我再手起刀落，哗－－！整个世界清净了。现在大家知道，我为什么要杀他！
唐僧：真的吗？
观音：诸多借口，你根本不想去取西经，不管怎么解释，也不能原谅你欺师灭祖的行为！
唐僧：姐姐，这是你的不对了！
观音：啊？
唐僧：悟空他要吃我，只不过是一个构思，还没有成为事实，你又没有证据，他又何罪之有呢？不如等他吃了我之后，你有凭有据，再定他的罪也不迟啊！
观音：唐三藏，你罗嗦我早就听说过了，不过没想到你居然这么罗嗦！我给你的金刚圈要你用来制伏这猴子你居然不用！
唐 僧：唉，那个金刚圈尺寸太差，前重后轻左宽右窄，他带上之后很不舒服，整晚失眠，会连累我嘛！他虽然是个猴子，可是你也不能这样对他，官府知道了会说我虐待动物的！说起那个金刚圈，啊，去年我在陈家村认识了一位铁匠，他手工精美、价钱又公道、童叟无欺，干脆我介绍你再定做一个吧！
悟空：闭嘴！
观音：闭嘴！

（悟空和观音同时伸手去掐唐僧的脖子，等一掐着观音才猛然惊觉，急忙缩回手去。）

观音：罪过罪过！
悟空：现在你也体会我的痛苦了吧？回答我！
（悟空用月光宝盒向观音打去，被观音挡飞。至尊宝上前去接，却又被唐僧抢先接住。一番斗法，悟空被观音降服，收进甘露瓶。）
观音：今天我要替天行道！
唐僧：观音姐姐手下留情啊！试问人谁无过，他总算是我的徒弟，徒弟有错作师傅的也有责任，求姐姐放他一条生路吧！
观音：我不消灭他无法向玉皇大帝交代！
唐僧：我不会使你为难的。请观音姐姐跟玉皇大帝说一声，贫僧愿意一命赔一命！正所谓我不入地狱谁入地狱？求姐姐你体谅，我这样做，无非是想感化劣徒，以配合我佛慈悲的大无畏精神啊！

(唐僧合十坐地，将月光宝盒放在一旁。)

观音：善哉善哉！悟空，希望你有一天能够领悟到你师傅这种舍生取义的精神。

唐僧：(将法杖向空中一抛)

喃呒阿弥陀佛！

A Chinese Odyssey Part One:Pandora's Box


Guanyin (Goddess of Mercy): Sun Wukong, you are such a cad (brute). In order to marry the sister of Bull King, you went as far as to take your master Tang Sanzang as a gift and invite the devils and ghosts to a banquet to eat him. Do you admit that?

Sun Wukong: You bitch! You have chased me for three days and three nights. The only reason I didn’t kill you is because you are a woman, not because I was afraid of you!

Tang Seng: Wukong, how can you talk to Sister Guanyin in such a manner?

Wukong: Grr, shut up!

Tang Seng: You are trying to scare me again.

Joker: Sun Wukong, Tan Sanzang?

Guanyin: Do you know what a heinous crime you have committed? You took the Pandora’s box from Fairy Zixia. Aren’t you trying to hide from me?

Wukong: Since it is impossible to hide from you, let’s fight to the death!

(Wukong carelessly tosses aside the Pandora’s box.)

Tangseng: What are you doing?

(The Pandora’s box is flying to the Joker. Joker tries to catch it, but Tang Seng grabs it first.)

Tangseng: Oh, my… Wukong, you are such a naughty boy. I have told you not to throw things around. It is not right to throw things… I am not finished; yet, you are tossing your staff now! The Pandora’s box is a treasure. You are polluting the environment by throwing it away. Ayah, what if it hit a child? Even if it doesn’t hit a child, it doesn’t do any good for the flowers and grass!

(Wukong clutches the Pandora’s box.)

Tangseng: What are you doing?

Wukong: Let go of it!

Tangseng: You want it? Wukong, if you want it, you only need say so. If you want it, I will give it to you. If you want it, I certainly will not refuse to give it to you. It is impossible that if you want it, that I wouldn’t give it back to you, and it is impossible that if you wouldn’t want it, whereupon I would insist on giving it back to you. We must be reasonable! Let me count to three. You state it clearly whether you want it or not…

Wukong: Damn!

(Wukong punches Tangseng to the ground.)

Guanyin: Ah? Sun Wukong!

Wukong: Ha Ha, you all see this? This guy is full of shit, like old women who talk incessantly on nothing - like a fly buzzing all the time. Buzzing…sorry, not just one, but a swarm of flies surrounding you. Buzz….Buzz… flying to your ears. Save me, please save me.

(Wukong is rolling on the ground, in great pain.)

Wukong: So, I grabbed the fly, cut its belly, pulled out its intestine, strangled its neck with its intestine, and gave a forceful pull. Aha… Its tongue was completely out. And then I raised the sword, and chopped it. Ha, the entire world became silent. Now everybody is clear why I want to kill him!

Tang Seng: Is that true?

Guanyin: These are all your pretextes. You don’t really want to get the Holy Scriptures at all. No matter what you say, you unscrupulous behavior is unforgivable!

Tang Seng: Sister, this time you are wrong!

Guanyin: Ah?

Tang Seng: That Wukong wants to eat me is just a hypothesis, which has not become a fact. Without evidence, how can you accuse him of any crime? You must wait until he eats me. It is not too late to wait until that moment when you get sufficient evidence.

Guanyin: Tang Sanzang, I have long heard about your anoyance, but I never thought you would be as annoying as this. I gave you the gold headband to control this monkey. But you didn’t even use it!

Tang Seng: Ai. The size of that headband is way off. It is too heavy in the front and too light in the other end, too broad on the left and too narrow on the right. He felt so uncomfortable wearing it. It turned him into an insomniac. It bothered me, also. Although he is a monkey, you can’t treat him like this. If the government knew what I did to him, I will be accused of animal abuse. Speaking of that gold headband, last year I got to know a blacksmith in the Village Chen. He is very skillful and charges a reasonable price. He treats both the old and young with honesty. Let me introduce him to you so that you can order a new headband!

Wu Kong: Quiet!

Guanyin: Quiet!

(Both Wukong and Guanyin extend their hands to clutch the neck of Tang seng. Guanyin, shocked at herself, pulling back her hand instantly.)

Guanyin: I’ve sinned!

Wukong: Now you can understand my pains! Come on, agree!

(Wukong flings the Pandora’s Box towards Guanyin. Guanyin brushes it away. Joke moves on to catch it, but Tang Seng grabs it again. After a fierce fight, Wukong is defeated by Guanyin and drawn into the Holy Vase.)

Guanyin: Today I am bringing justice to the world!

Tang Seng: Please be merciful, Sister Guanyin. Who has never made a mistake? Anyway, he is my disciple. A master has to take responsibility for the faults of his disciple. Please spare his life, Sister.

Guanyin: If I don’t exterminate him, I can’t go back to answer the Jade Emperor!

Tangseng: I won’t make your life difficult. Please deliver a message to the Jade Emperor for me. I would like to exchange my life for his. As it is said, if I don’t go to hell, who should? Please understand me. What I am doing is to teach my disciple, which is also in line with the spirit of fearlessness of the magnanimous Buddha.

(Tengseng makes the Zen gesture, placing the Pandora’s box aside.).

Guanyin: Good grief! Wu Kong, I hope that one day you will understand your master’s spirit to sacrifice himself for the holy cause.

Tangseng: (Throws his staff to the sky.)

Namo Amita Buddha!